By Robert S. Hagstrom, Jr
As many people know, the holidays can be a difficult time for those who have endured family related trauma during their formative years. Our earliest memories of the holidays can be tainted by past experiences. Many adults still suffer with painful childhood memories and experience an emotional ‘anniversary reaction’ as the holidays approach. This is especially true for today’s young adults that went through a divorce with their parents back in the 1970’s and 1980’s when divorce rates started to climb to the near 50% that they are today.
The holidays can be particularly painful for children of divorce. In a 25 year landmark study of the affects of divorce on children, Dr. Judith Wallerstein noted the following statistics: 50% of divorces occur by the seventh year of marriage and 80% of divorces occur by the ninth year of marriage. Translated, this means that 50% of the children in this country whose parents divorce are under the age of 6 when the divorce happens. Nation-wide, this means that 500,000 children are under the age of 6 when they go through the divorce of their parents. With approximately 1300 new stepfamilies forming everyday and nearly 50% of US families being either remarried or re-coupled, it would seem evident that anything we could do to help secure the children of these divorces would have long-range ramifications for both them and their future families.
So what can divorced single parents and parents in stepfamilies do to help secure their children during this especially vulnerable time? Fortunately, there are many things a wise parent can do to secure their child, even in the face of a difficult situation. Listed below are some hints to help secure your children during the emotional uncertainty of the holidays.
Structure, structure, structure. There are few things more important in the post-divorce atmosphere than re-structuring the new paradigm. Children of all ages need predictability; this is especially true for pre-school and elementary-aged kids. Make no mistake about it, children of divorce are filled with fear and uncertainty and need a lot of structure to help restore their sense of emotional equilibrium. No matter what custodial arrangements have been set forth, either by mutual agreement or court order, structuring the new environment and providing predictability is one of the most important new behaviors you can engage in.
Family Meetings. Weekly family meetings are a great way to bring predictability into an otherwise chaotic situation. Once a week, set some time aside for the family to get together. Besides the meeting itself, fun activities can be planned such as playing games or going out for ice cream. Family meetings are important to: communicate information (including schedules), mediate sibling differences, set up chore schedules, discuss consequences, follow-up on previous meetings, and plan future fun events that give the kids something to look forward to. Children are just like adults in that they need to have hope for the future. Without hope, fear and feelings of hopelessness can set in and open the door for depression. Avoid having these meetings at dinner time. Dinner needs to be a time of pleasant relational connection.
Family Dinners. Far too many families are eating separately or sitting around a blaring TV. Turn off the TV, set the table nice, with placemats, napkins, silverware, maybe fresh flowers, candles, etc. Try to make family dinners a hollowed place. Even if it’s just dad or mom, two little kids and a take-out pizza, jazz up the scene and class up your family memories. Your children will come to look forward to the bonding that goes on around the dinner table.
Family Chores. In this day of most parents working full time only to go home and work throughout the evening it’s important to teach children that since they contribute to the mess they can help clean up. Even 3 year olds can help mom put toys in the toy box. Each family member should have daily chores and weekly chores. Expectations should be clearly spelled out and posted so there is no ‘confusion’ as to what is expected.
Family Bedtimes. Single and step-parenting is exhausting enough without having the kids staying up until 10:00 or 10:30 PM. Get the kids to bed by 9:00 PM so you have some time to unwind or have personal time before bed. Kids can quietly read, do homework, or play games in their room if they’re not tired yet. Trust me; you’ll love the quiet hour between 9:00 and10:00 if you make that part of the new structure.
Family Rituals. Every family has family rituals around the holidays that they inherited from their parents. Family rituals are passed down from generation to generation much like the silverware. It’s time to keep some of the old rituals (for the kid’s sake) and create some new rituals you can all agree on. Inviting the children into the design of the new ones will increase their participation and joy of the new family connectedness. Family meetings are great planning times to ‘reinvent the wheel’.
Family Apologies. There are regular family difficulties, there needs to be regular family apologies and forgivenesses. With this Dad and mom need to lead the way. Children see and hear you fight and they need to see and hear you apologize to each other, ask for forgiveness and then see you kiss and make up. You are leading by example and teaching them to confess their own wrongs to each other and ask for forgiveness (“Will you please forgive me for calling you a stupid moron?”). In addition, it brings closure to the fight they heard you have this morning and lets them know that it’s ‘all clear’ to relax now. Without this closure they will bottle up their anxiety and then act out on it in other ways.
Find & Create Beauty. Creating beauty in the home is very healing, especially when you are setting up a new household. Dostoyevsky said “Beauty will save the world.” Creating beauty from some simple everyday thing soothes the eyes and brings a sense of peace to the soul. Letting your child be involved in the process of painting their room will help bring a sense of ownership to their new surroundings. A $5.00 bouquet of fresh flowers brightens up even the most mundane dinner table.
Communicate with your kids. Make sure your children know your constant comings and goings. This is even true for your high school kids. Knowing where you are and when you’ll be home is very securing to them, and make sure you are true to your word. Being constantly unpredictable will cause unnecessary anxiety to their little souls. If appropriate, put up a chalk, white, or bulletin board in your kitchen so you can leave notes for each other. It will become a fun ‘message central’ that the family can revolve around.
Date Your Children. Just like husbands and wives need a weekly date, all children, especially step-children need dates with biological parents and also with their new step-parent. One-on-one dates with each parent speeds the bonding process and begins to repair trust where it has been broken by the family fracture. You don’t have to spend a lot of money…just a taco or two.
The holidays can be a joyous time or a time of painful memories and fearful uncertainty for children of divorce. Now while it’s true that some joy is serendipitous, many times we to have create our own joy by planning ahead, and this involves surrounding our children with structure that soothes their little souls and relaxes their furrowed brows. Your new beginnings don’t have to be monumental or earth shattering, just a few simple adjustments each and every week. Don’t wait until January 1st for your new resolutions. Plan now to make this Christmas more joyful than the last. Most childhood fear can be alleviated with a simple “Your daddy/mommy loves you and you’re going to be alright.” They’ll believe you because…who knows more than their mom or dad? SFM
Robert S. “Biff” Hagstrom, Jr. is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (LCPC) in private practice for the past 17 years here in Billings. Biff and his wife Brenda have been practicing ‘stepfamily’ since 1989 with their four children, 3 from Biff’s 1st marriage and their daughter Marianne. Both Biff and Brenda, who is the Executive Director of Steppin’ In Foundation, a non-profit Pastoral Care Organization, do individual, marital, family and step-family counseling. In addition, Biff speaks nationally on various stepfamily, personal wholeness, and business relational issues. You can reach him at Christos Therapy @ 406.245.4005 or at biffthisdesign @ 406.661.1005
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